"Good Night," Grandma

Alternate title: 2019, you grackle (insult courtesy of Captain Holt)

This has been one of the toughest years of my life.  At the start of the year, I had so much hope and felt like I was in a place I was meant to be. I had goals of improving my nutrition, but other than that, I felt good about where I was at in my life.  Then, my schedule at Midland didn’t really work out, and while I never felt like I truly belonged there, it was tough to change that plan and get off of what I felt was at least a reasonably normal path.  Then, my job fell apart and I began questioning if I ever want to work within a church, which I deeply feel like I am not made for now.  So now I am set with one semester left for a degree I already do not want at a college I only went to due to a job that broke my heart.

Then the flood ravaged the town I live in, and even though it didn’t flood at my house, the heartache I saw in my old neighborhood was tough. Then, I got incredibly sick. The mysterious illness, lack of diagnosis, and no longer feeling a healthy sense of respect and safety in my own body has taken a pretty big toll on me.  While I began losing my hearing last year, this is the first time I’ve truly not been able to function for weeks at a time. There were some situations that I genuinely worried if I was going to live or not and having to think about my own mortality at age 21 hasn’t been great.  There are so many more things I want for my life. But when I finally start feeling better, I get hit with a bout of illness again. 

In the midst of dealing with my health again, my grandma died.  It may be ridiculous since she was 97 and in a nursing home, but I was not even remotely prepared for her passing.  Throughout my life I have experienced many changes and losses, but my grandma has been one of the only constants I’ve had.  She was a feisty, stubborn mule of a woman, but I was not ready to say goodbye to her.  I had a letter on my desk addressed to her that I hadn’t dropped in the mail yet. I had more memories I wanted to share with her.  I truly thought she’d make it to at least 100, so I hadn’t considered the chance that I may never see her again. 

Most of the losses I’ve experienced in my life have been what are considered unexpected losses.  My aunt dying for unexpected health reasons at 14, my aunt taking her life when I was 18, and my father taking his life when I was 6 were all unexpected losses.  In some ways, grieving those losses were a bit easier, because it was “normal” for those to have a large impact on me. It wasn’t surprising that I felt like I was robbed of time I was supposed to have with them, that I was taken aback by those losses. But in some ways, I feel like I wasn’t supposed to be shocked by this loss, and that I should have been at least somewhat prepared. I shouldn’t feel like I was robbed of time with someone who spent 97 years on this earth, but I do. It’s not sinking in for me, but I know it felt wrong to be in Ohio this weekend and not see her.

I know I am incredibly lucky in the fact that my grandma made it to age 97.  My dad never made it to 50, I had classmate that didn’t make it to graduation.  I know I am lucky to have a relative that made it to 97 since many of us do not get that opportunity.  But I regret not seeing her more, calling her more (even though she didn’t answer), writing her more letters, and not being in Ohio with her.  I regret not being able to somehow extend her life. I thought I had more time.

Thinking of my grandma’s 97 years of life and thinking of my own mortality at times due to this mystery illness has had me doing a lot of reflecting.  I’m not sure what God is trying to tell me in this time. This incredibly tough year cannot get any tougher, I just want things to start turning around. 

I have learned a lot about myself in the past few years. One of the biggest things I’ve realized is how much my family means to me.  I was only really home to sleep throughout most of high school, so I am so grateful for the time I have had the past few years to become close with my mom and sisters. We’ve also traveled back to Ohio on a more consistent basis, and growing closer to my cousins has helped me to understand more about who I am and where I come from.  I just hate the fourteen-hour split that puts in my heart.  I’m so grateful for the memories I have with my grandma and the questions I asked her throughout the past couple of years. I’m going to miss her greatly, but I know I am lucky to have had someone that leaves this big of a hole by leaving my life.

I know I am at a really uneasy place and a crossroads in my life. I’m finally piecing together what I want to do, but the path I’m on right now will not lead me to where I want to go. I feel like I want/need, a fresh start, but I do not want to leave my mom and sisters behind in seeking that, because I want them to be in my life. I want to find a way to bring my family together more often. I want to listen to my heart and what God is telling me that will lead me to where I am meant to be. I know there are many paths that will get me there.  I want to travel, and really get to know about how people’s lives are in these different places.  I want to somehow start a family (when I’m like, 30), so I want to do some of this traveling before that happens.  And I want to work to improve the lives of women and support girls’ education, especially for refugees, those impacted by natural disasters, and those facing other hardships.  I wouldn’t be where I am today in the slightest had my mom not supported me excelling in school, and that has opened up many doors for me that I know many other women in the world do not have opened for them.  My grandma used to tell stories of being on the first girls’ basketball team at her school, and she had to fight her dad to be on it.  She also used to tell stories of her great-aunt Mary (my great-great-great aunt) traveling to America from Ireland in order to have a better life.  I am constantly reminded of the strong women in my family, and how we have only gotten the opportunities we’ve gotten by being able to be educated and supported each other.  That is part of who I am and is in my blood.  I’m so sad I won’t be able to hear from my grandma about those times any more, but I know her spirit is within me… her feisty, stubborn spirit.  But I know it is that spirit that will allow me to make it through the next few years of transition that will not be easy but will be necessary in becoming who I am meant to be. 

I’m struggling greatly with losing my grandma, because as she is my mom’s mom, I am having to think of the fact that I will likely lose my own mother one day.  I also know that as I am growing up, the day-to-day realities of seeing my momma are dwindling. I know one day here sooner than I’d really like, I’ll have to “grow up” and leave my mom’s house, and it breaks my heart.  Growing up without one of my parents has had me hold close to my momma, and I hate the feeling that my time with her is fleeting.  I’m so glad for these “bonus years” I’ve had with my mom throughout college.  Throughout this incredibly tough year, my mom has helped me day in and day out, and I can only hope that in this tough time for her, I can find a way to support her in the same ways she always finds to support me.

As I draw this to a close, I am praying and hoping for gentler days ahead, for clarity in decisions I have to make, and for peace, loving understanding, and wisdom in my family and in my relationships. May this tough year end in calmer days. 

And Grandma, thank you for the years of love you have shown me, the feisty spirit you’ve instilled in me, and the family you’ve created for me.  I’ll miss you each day, but I know you’ll be in my soul, sometimes even in ways I don’t realize (or maybe even want).  I love you and miss you already. 

Han