Identity

For those of you who don’t know, my health has caused me to be in a bit of a new season in my life right now.  I just finished at my job, and am only in one online class.  As a girl who is used to being busy and being told by that busyness what my identity is, this is a new place for me to be.  But I believe God is working in me now, too.

This past year as a youth pastor has been a wonderful blessing.  It was scary for me to follow this call from God.  It was back at a church I had previously left, at the church I basically grew up in. Jesus said that a prophet is only without honor in their hometown. I don’t really have a hometown, but honestly, the people of Fremont First were probably about as close to a “hometown” as I have. But God placed me there as my first ministry field. The congregation welcomed me with wide open arms, reminding me of the little red sparkly shoes I used to wear in preschool, but also respecting me as an adult, listening to my sermon and supporting me. I also wasn’t so sure about being a youth pastor. When God nudged me in that direction one of my first prayers was, “uh, God, I’m not so sure about me and kids, I’m a bit awkward around them.”  But it turns out, most students really appreciated my awkward nature. 

The last year brought opportunities that scared me, but that I dove into because I knew God was right there with me, working through me. I had the chance to lead a mission trip for the very first time, which was one of the most incredible experiences. I also got back behind my guitar for the first time since high school and discovered I still love music when it’s praising Jesus (even with a hearing loss)! I led a retreat and service projects I never thought I could lead. I got to spend time with my first group of students, who have taught me so much in the process of teaching them. I mean, God really gave me such a great group of students to work with this year, and I am truly going to miss each of them (and being in a family of educators, I know it is rare to not have like, that one kid or personality clash, but I didn’t). They were Jesus to me as much as I hope I was Jesus to them. I also got to lead a small group through confirmation, and that group of 4 girls challenged me with questions and I loved watching them grow in their faith journeys. And I got to do all of this with an amazing co-youth pastor, who has become a friend that’s had my back throughout this rough spring.   

I put so much of my heart, soul, and identity into being a youth pastor this year.  I was 20-turned-21, and already working in the field I’m called to, what a dream. I put a lot of work into my job, and was really diving into this as my career. I think one of the toughest things about working in ministry is that it’s easy to allow that to become your identity.  I think that is true of many jobs, but I think “youth pastor” is one that seems to be a good marker on identity – I’m a person that loves Jesus, plays about 7 chords on guitar, sings worship songs, makes odd jokes, prays with teenagers, wears those strappy sandals in the summer, and plays random games with your kids. It is easy to have that become your identity, and still have you feel fulfilled and connected to God.  But my identity shouldn’t be “youth pastor.”  It should be “child of God.”

I’ve had a call to ministry since I was in third grade.  I distinctly remember that first call, and the many subsequent nudges God has given me along the way, pointing me in the direction He is calling me. Here’s the thing. When you are called to ministry so young, you don’t really know what adult life is like, so you just kinda push it to the back of your mind.  I didn’t really think about it going into college at first, because I just listened to what the adults in my life told me they thought I’d be good at.  Then I looked at what careers I could provide for myself. But I do not need to focus on which careers make the most money or worry about providing for my life.  (Like yes, I know I need a job again sometime - Mom, don’t panic, I will not be unemployed forever.) But God provides.  I have to trust that where God is calling me can lead to only good things, challenges and all. God would not call me to a place where my basic needs won’t be met. He provides. But that doubt was the first one that had me run from my call to ministry.  Then, last summer, I finally told myself to cut the crap, that I knew God called me to this work. I thought I finally had a plan in place with the United Methodist Church.  But then this little thing called the General Conference was set for early 2019, and as it approached, I became more and more nervous about this plan I had of being a Methodist pastor.  And then the General Conference happened, and I was not pleased with the outcome (which the Judicial Council finally met and things are still very much up in the air).  And Methodist seminaries are seeming to be stepping away from the UMC, so for a person my age, the solid plan I thought I had all laid out seemed to be fizzling before my eyes.  There have been some other experiences I’ve had this spring that have made me want to turn around and run for the hills, praying, “If that’s ministry, God, then I don’t want to do it.” These bumps in the road have frustrated me beyond belief and made me really doubt if I was called to ordained ministry in the UMC.

But I’ve really realized that God called me to ministry. And one of the things that means is trusting in God and not leaning on my own understanding.  I am not going to have a solid 5-year plan.  My plan is to follow God’s call.  If for a while that means working an odd job to pay my bills, that might mean that. But if that means moving to a seminary soon, it might mean that too. (Hey God, if you could drop me by an ocean, I’d really appreciate it.) If it means putting together the devotional book I’ve been writing, I will do that. None of my calls or nudges have been “Hannah, you must be this kind of minister (example: UMC ordained clergy).”  They have been pushes in certain directions to learn what I need to learn in that season of my life. 

Right now, it’s a bit tough.  I don’t have a job now, and I am not really in school either due to my health, so for a person who has been in school most of my life, and a person who has had her identity in her job for over a year, I feel a bit like, well, who am I?  But I think that is what God is going to be teaching me in this season.  Not who is Hannah, the future pastor. Not who is Hannah, the nerdy-good student.  Not who is Hannah, the youth pastor.  Not who is Hannah, the sick person. But who is Hannah, the child of God. 

You see, most of my life, I’ve been “ahead.”  Either thanks to my “old soul,” or more likely my childhood trauma, I’ve been looked at as the mature, responsible, respectable student who was “wise beyond her years” (seriously, the number of times I have heard this has made me really wonder if I should have more wrinkly skin). I am now 21 years old and have left a dream job, a step that usually doesn’t happen for people my age. (I don’t even have my undergrad degree yet, but I am finished with basically my dream job.)  I also have this gap in my schooling – the semester of classes I need to graduate aren’t offered until next spring.  And I’m having health problems that I keep getting no answers for. (Brief side rant, if you are in the healthcare field and a person isn’t getting a diagnosis but is having pain – don’t tell them “oh you should be happy we haven’t found anything!” Yes, in a way I’m glad I don’t have cancer, but also if I did, there would at least be a plan for treatment and maybe I could start feeling better... And maybe I could happily eat.)

But in this season where I have no labeling identifiers, I can focus on being a child of God. I can explore and find out who I am. Our society is so quick to label people - by their jobs, degrees, and relationship statuses first.  Think about it.  When you meet someone new, some of the questions you naturally ask are, “What do you do?” “Where do you work?” depending on age, “Are you married?” “Do you have any kids?” and on and on.  But are those things really our identity? Many of those things come and go and will fade away. And as much as we’d love to set our identities in our families, tomorrow is never a guarantee for any of us. But what I know will never, ever change? God. That God created everything, including me; that He sent His Son to die for me and teach me how to live. And those are the things I need to fulfill my identity with. 

So yes, I am going to follow my call to ministry.  What that looks like right now, I don’t know. Maybe seminary after Midland, at this point, probably not in the UMC.  But ministry can mean so many things.  I could do chaplaincy (which I am hoping to intern with to see how God could use me in that setting), church planting, or nursing and do missionary work, I mean, the list goes on and on as to how God might use me.  But instead of trying to figure that out right now and have a “plan,” I’m trusting God will put me there.

So, for those of you asking, “What’s next?” Well, I hope soon, a big plate full of food that doesn’t lead to pain, a morning without a fever, a night without ear pain, and less time in doctors’ offices. Soon, a new church with people my age, and finding a community of believers to surround myself with and grow with spiritually (something I find is lacking the most in my life currently). A bit later, some traveling to see family/old friends/hopefully a beach, and I am hoping a chaplaincy internship if that gets lined up in a timeline with my health. Eventually, work again, hopefully within the field of ministry, but maybe not right away. Or maybe some traveling to see places I wish I would’ve had the chance to study abroad in (though a long shot with the medical bills I have). Maybe playing some worship songs in public places and writing a book if I ever can figure out how publishing works. And in about a year, my undergraduate degree completed.  But I know in all of these things, I will be praying, learning, and growing in my faith. I will be relying on God, growing closer to Him, and learning more about what it means to live as Jesus did. I will be working on placing my whole identity in Christ.  That way when someone asks what my identity is, I’ll say, “I’m Hannah Michelle Bussa, and I’m a child of God.” 

Thank you for reading!