Why I Hate the Beginnings of Relationships

Some of my friends love everything about the beginnings of relationships.  First dates, first kisses, first conversations, getting to know about the other person’s family, beliefs, hobbies, hopes, and dreams.

Not me. 

I have never really liked first dates.  Honestly, I have only ever had two that weren’t just complete disasters.  I am a bit of an awkward person, and sometimes that just does not translate well into dating.  Being in theatre in high school didn’t exactly give me a plethora of straight guys to hang out with anyway.  And as a person who hates small talk, chatting with a random guy about the weather was never as fun to me as hanging out with my friends when I was younger. 

As for first kisses, I’m sorry, but they are always awkward.  Always.  Even if they end up being like the best kisser in the world or something, the first kiss is always awkward.  Maybe this is because I am an awkward person, but that has been my experience. And I don’t care that I’m 21 and have kissed plenty of guys before, some even on stage in front of audiences, it still makes me nervous.  How awkward will I make it? I don’t know, but it will certainly be. 

Also, the “politics” of dating, like this whole wait-three-days-to-text policy and never-text-a-guy-first and all of those nonsensical policies girls follow, I missed out on at some point in my lifetime I guess.  But I also think they are stupid.  If you care about a person, care about them.  Don’t wait three days to talk to them so you don’t look desperate, that’s silly.  Don’t wait 4 hours to message back so you look busy or whatever else girls say.  If I have learned anything, it is that we are never guaranteed tomorrow, so why wait for things if you feel a certain way about someone? Also, people sometimes do not show how upset they are, and checking in on people is important, no matter how long you’ve known them.

Then, there is a certain point while dating where you begin to ask each other questions about your childhood.  And after about 14 years, I still do not know how to casually mention that my dad took his own life when I was 6 years old.  I mean seriously, how am I supposed to say that without seeming like a fragile little bird? Generally, I go with something like this, “Well, yeah, my dad kinda took his own life when I was 6, but you know it was such a long time ago I’m really used to that by now.”  I might as well just shout, “YEAH HE DIED BUT I AM OKAY, REALLY.  I MEAN I’M NOT HAPPY THAT IT HAPPENED BUT I AM OKAY.”  Somehow that doesn’t usually go very smoothly either, though…And I’ve found avoiding the question is even worse.  Once I refused to talk about my dad until 2 months into a relationship when my boyfriend at the time finally asked me if my dad was in prison or something.  I had avoided the question so much he thought my dad killed someone.  So apparently avoiding the question is not a good strategy. Perhaps I will never learn how to “appropriately” say that, because I’m not sure there is a great way to tell a stranger that information.  So that’s never a fun way to start off a date.

Generally, that conversation takes a while to get over.  I make it awkward enough that the questions usually stop for the rest of that date.  Either that or the guy starts to ask me about being a Christian and my beliefs about premarital sex.  (However, usually if a guy asks this on the first date, they are not looking for me to be their girlfriend, which has probably gotten me out of a lot of interesting situations these past few years.)  For some reason, some guys tend to think this is something to question and debate on the first or second time I meet them, which typically ends the dates.

And now, I also get to mention that I might end up being deaf.  So, if you want to seriously date me, someday you might need to learn ASL or get speedy at typing, bud.

Then, you get to that point where you talk about your past.  And this is why the past two years I have basically avoiding dating. I know I have healed and am ready to try dating again. I’m slowly learning how to talk about it, but after they get over the conversation about my dad, now I also somehow have to casually add in about the fact that my last relationship was super unhealthy and I was sexually assaulted.  I actually am not really sure how to do this without trying to crack a joke about it, which logically I recognize is probably not the best way to go about it, but I don’t know what else to do. Over text? Yeah, over text seems like a great plan.  Maybe go old school and send an actual letter? Maybe just, I don’t know, put a blog post out on the internet and cross my fingers that all of my future dates will just read it? Hahaha, no. That probably wouldn’t be the best way to handle the situation.

So why am I sharing this then?

Well, I know I am not the only one with baggage.  Really, I know this. Someone once told me, “Everyone is a survivor of their childhood,” and that’s so true. I am fully aware that when I tell the right date about these things, they will be supportive.  They might not know what to say, and that is perfectly fine; but if they are the right person, they will support me.  I also know that there is a good chance that they will have baggage of their own, and I will need to be supportive of them in the same way I expect them to support me. 

So, I’m sharing this for two reasons: 1) that people might think about how to react to hearing tough stuff in someone’s past, and 2) if anyone has any suggestions about how to talk about these things without cracking terrible jokes, feel free to let me know.

My advice from my personal experience: If someone tells you about their dad dying years ago, they probably don’t want to hear, “oh I’m so sorry.”  They’ve probably heard that so many times they’re tired of hearing it.  Maybe ask about their memories with their dad, and the rest of their family.  And if someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted (not like, the first time they’ve told someone – if they’ve not told anyone before, ask them if they want to report it), believe them, and be there for them.  And don’t look at them any differently.

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents for the day.  If you’re one of those people that loves first dates and the beginnings of a relationship, congratulations, but don’t assume everyone is.  I believe we’ll all figure it out eventually.

- Hannah Michelle Bussa