Summer... Summer... SUMMER!

Summer

This quarter has seemed to drag on forever, probably because I decided to take too many classes, but it is finally over!  I am SO excited to have a break from textbooks for awhile.  I'm only taking one last gen-ed online this summer, and I am ready for that much-needed break.  

I'm so ready for this summer. I have so many things to look forward to, I can't even contain how excited I am.  For the rest of May, youth ministry is kicking off with a bonfire (this Thursday, 6:30-8:30 pm at the lakes, grades 6-12 welcome!) and I'm so excited to be back with those students.  It's also supposed to be super hot out and I'm looking forward to spending time outside trying to get a bit more sun.  Also, our interns at the church start, and I am SO EXCITED for this!  

In June, I will be registering for my junior year at Midland.  It's a bit hard to believe I'm getting this old, but I'm so excited to be registering for ministry classes. :-) Our youth ministry calendar is also pretty full in June.  AND I get to go to OHIO and see my wonderful family and go to Cedar Point, which has been on Holly's and my bucket lists for years.  I also get to go to Young Preacher's Conference at the end of June!

July is also filled with youth ministry events, including a mission trip that's finally getting off the ground and that I am getting super excited for!  I've been praying about this trip for months, and I'm excited to finally get some kids registered in the next few weeks here.  God is going to work through us and I cannot wait to see how these kids grow.  

I'm also planning to continue on my Bible reading plan to have finished the entire Bible by mid-August, and I am currently a few days ahead!  

Reflections

I don't know what it is about the end of a school year that always makes me so reflective, but as I'm writing, I'm thinking over the past two years.  

About two years ago, I graduated from FHS as one of the valedictorians of the class.  I was so focused on achievements.  I focused on how many medals, stoles, and chords I had on graduation day, and how many things I'd "accomplished" at that point in my life.  Yet I didn't plan for the future well.  On a whim, I decided I'd go to Doane.  I actually made this decision based on a twitter poll, and I chose the opposite of what people voted for.  I chose my major based on what other people were telling me to do, not on any prayers or any thought-out decisions.  I just knew I could already do what I needed to do for a music education degree, so why not? 

Two summers ago, I was still dealing daily with anxiety.  Anxiety attacks multiple times a day, even.  And I was working as a supervisor over at the pools.  If I saw that girl today, I wouldn't even really recognize her, I've changed so much.  And that's something I really used to fear.  Now, I look forward to change.  Anyway, over that summer, God kept pulling at my heart, telling me to be a homicide detective.  I'd have these little fights with God, telling Him there was no way that was happening.  But funnily enough, a few days before I was supposed to move to Doane, I finally told my mom I didn't want to major in music and theatre ed, and that I thought I was being pushed to do criminal justice, even though I knew nothing about it.  I went and talked to a detective in Fremont, and I thought, "okay, this is crazy God, but so interesting."  

I went to Doane, and as y'all know, I only stayed there two weeks. A week of auditions confirmed my belief that music and theatre ed was NOT where I was supposed to be, and Doane was just not where I was being pulled, either.  (Funny that a college I really hadn't looked into or made any plans or really prayed about wasn't part of God's plan for me.  Interesting how God works).  I was still so scared to come home.  What would people say?  I was dropping out so fast and going to a community college? And not doing music or theatre? But I was that girl, that girl who was always doing music and in every single show in high school... how could I change who I was so much?

This of course leads into the part of my story that is so tough.  My freshman year of college was so rough.  My anxiety and depression got worse.  I spent days not trusting myself, and losing hope.  Why couldn't I just go home to God? I had no plans of the future, and my year had completely fallen apart.  Sure, I loved my classes, but I knew that was not going to be my future career, so what was the point?

I also went through a tough relationship, and didn't form many friends.  I isolated myself, because I believed I wasn't worth anyone's worry.  I didn't try to make friends, because I didn't think I deserved any.  

I gradually got better over last year, getting treatment and getting on medication for anxiety.  The summer came, and I was excited to be out in the sun, and I was so excited to go to Florida.  And that pulled me through the year.

My sophomore year of college started, and I was happy with my classes.  I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do, but I also started taking counseling classes.  I knew in some capacity, I wanted to help people.  But I started running into trouble in these classes, knowing that I couldn't bring up my faith in many of the circumstances I would be in in these future careers.  

I got to see Ed Sheeran on the floor with Tiffany and go on the Mu Gamma Gamma trip, and I did really well at that competition.  I was excited, because I was finally making some friends.  I turned 20 and hung out with my different friends at different times, and I finally got to see Madison and get our matching tattoos, which I look at a lot whenever I feel alone.  It reminds me that I always at least have one friend, and she'll never really go away. 

I also had this plan to go to UNO and move to Omaha.  I was excited to gradually start moving my life to Omaha and living in an apartment.  I felt like I was finally on some sort of a track, but something still felt like it was missing. 

Finally, on Christmas Eve, I went back into a church for the first time since I'd gone to college. I had always had the intention of finding a church in Omaha, but anxiety doesn't lend well to going into a church all alone on a Sunday morning.  My family and I wanted our traditional candlelight service, and had been wondering what the new pastors at Fremont First UMC were like, so we went to that late night service.  And as I sat there in the back row, I remembered sitting there in the back row as a third grader on Christmas Eve, determined that one day I'd be a pastor.  I'm not sure how many of you ever have those strong God-given moments where things just click?  Sometimes it's seriously like God is telling me I-told-you-so (but with love, of course).  But this scared me, too.  

[Then, my favorite uncle Wayne came to Fremont for a few weeks in January - and that was awesome!  He got me into the habit of snacking way too much, but I was so happy to have him here.]

My mom and some of the rest of my family went back one Sunday before me.  That afternoon, my mom told me "Hannah, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm just getting the strongest feeling that you need to go back to that church."  (I mean SERIOUSLY God, did you need to give me an I-told-you-so through my mom, too?)  I was hesitant, but Bill and Melissa had mentioned something about meeting them over coffee, which I decided to do before I went back for a service.  That meeting made me realize and remember how important ministry was to me, even during the times that were harsh on me in ministry.  I realized that this was where I was supposed to be.  

So, I went back to church that Sunday.  But before I showed up to service, Bill messaged me on Facebook.  He talked about having courage and that he'd been praying for me.  Then, he mentioned Joshua 1:9, and I knew God was talking to me through Bill.  You see, there are (quite literally) about 200 verses about not being afraid that Bill could have chosen, but he chose the one that is my absolute favorite that I've wanted to get tattooed on me for about a year now, and was the verse that quite honestly saved my life.  It could have "just been a coincidence," but I know God better than that.  The next week I was there, Melissa preached.  I hadn't seen a woman preach in years, and this set me on fire again, and it was like God was just tapping on my shoulder like, "um, hello, would you please listen to me yet?"  (I know I'm not making God sound very articulate.  But in these moments of my life, He just had to get on my stubborn level.) 

I decided that I needed to let go of my fear and listen to God. So, I contacted Midland and talked to them about their youth and family ministry degree.  I cancelled all of my 'going to UNO or moving to Omaha' plans, and decided that for now, Fremont is right where I need to be. 

Then, I applied for the youth pastor position and went through three interviews for that, and I am so, so grateful that I got the job.  Learning in this capacity just reaffirms every single day that I am finally following God's call in my life.  I pray before I make my decisions now and guess what?  I make much better decisions.  (It's not that I didn't pray when I was a senior, I just kinda decided to wing it on most things though.) . 

Every year, I hope that in some way I will change and grow.  This year has no doubt changed the course and the direction of my life.  Following God has changed me, like it should.  Was I really lost in the middle of some addiction or crime or something serious like that? No.  But you don't have to be at some kind of rock bottom for God to make changes in your life.  The truth is, I have always been a Christian.  But I also haven't always listened to God because I was so afraid.  Am I saying I never get overwhelmed anymore? Nope.  God never promised us we wouldn't suffer.  (He actually basically promised us that we would suffer.)  But He has changed me.  I might not have been in something incredibly serious, but I've finally seen reasons why He wants me here on earth for awhile.  I finally see where I'm supposed to be going to follow His plan for me.  

This year has been a huge blessing.  I've gotten to preach my first sermon (at a class).  I've gotten to write my first youth group lessons, which I think the students really enjoyed.  And I'm getting to learn new things every day I'm at work.  If I could've asked for three things at the beginning of this school year for where I'd be right now, I'm not really sure what I would've hoped for.  But I know this is much, much better.  There are so many great things on the horizon too, and I'm excited to see where God takes me when I'm not making Him drag me, but I'm following with anticipation.  

Thanks for reading!