POSITIVITY: September Series Change-Up

Hey everyone,

I know I’ve really missed a few days of my September series for Suicide Prevention Month, and I am sorry.   I’ve been really trying to decide what else to write without getting too emotional.  Because this is such an emotional subject, and some days, I’d really rather just fall asleep to Netflix in the background and homework across my lap than try to write such painful stories.  (Truthfully, I’d rather be falling asleep on a hammock at the beach, but I’ll take what I can get.)

I tried writing this open letter to my Dad, and another one to my Aunt Marta, hoping that seeing my emotions about this as a “survivor” could help someone gain that perspective, but I just can’t get through them yet.  Especially not to publish on the internet.  I also was going to try to post more about my own personal experiences with suicidal ideation, but I’m not going to lie to you.  I don’t want to go back to that.  I don’t want to think about those times again, at least not right now.  Right now, I feel freed of those emotions, and dark times in my head.

I feel bad, because I want to be this strong, completely open and honest person as well as writer, but I’m also almost 20.  I wasted most of my year of being 19 being depressed, anxious, and alone.  And honestly?  I don’t want to continue to do that this fall.  I just want to try to be carefree - for the first time in my life.  It’s not entirely easy, but I don’t think that constantly writing about this topic that is so heavy as suicide is going to help me be this carefree 20 year old I’m wanting to be right now.  I know this sounds irresponsible and selfish, but I’ve really never been either of those two things.  (And it’s not like I’m going off the deep end, I’m still taking 5 classes this quarter and have plenty of schoolwork to keep me out of trouble.)  Besides, these are the times for me TO be goofy and take odd risks.  It’s not the time for me to constantly sit around and worry... I’m not a mother yet, but if I am someday, I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to worry about - then.  

But right now?  I want to do what I’m supposed to do, and focus on building more friendships, having more of a social life, not being too anxious to leave my house, and do those weird college-type things.  I am of course not talking about drugs or any other illegal things, just to be clear.  I still am constantly trying to better myself.  I am still trying to figure out what this crazy path God’s put me on all means.  

And you know what else?  I just want to eat some pancakes at odd times of the day, and I want to take my homework to the coffeehouse and do it there instead of on my couch.  I want to have a blast on my criminal justice trips coming up.  I want to sleep less.  And I want to get closer to all of the people in my program this year.  I want to find things to laugh at multiple times a day!

Preventing suicide means promoting a better life for yourself and those around you.  Love, understanding, and POSITIVITY.   “Happy Hannah” is the version of myself that has so much fun and used to have so much confidence.  I wasn’t afraid to be my goofy self then.  I’m pulling her out of deep inside of me, and I’m going to have a great second year of college.  

I truly hope that whatever you face this year, and in your life, you can find this urgent positivity I have right now; and I hope you figure out how to have the best life you possibly can have.  If you are always looking for the positives, I assure you, no matter how tragic or dreadful your situation is, you can find them.  Seek, and you shall find!   

Thank you for reading, and thank you for understanding!

Blessings,

“Happy” Hannah Michelle Bussa